I lie completely still — gripping the covers, fists tight, tension in my neck and jaw, eyes wide open. Adrenaline rushes through me; I feel connected to every fizzing molecule.
I thought I’d already done the hard work of life — the heartbreaks. I figured I’d earned a rest from self-discovery. But here I am, at 52, learning more about myself in my coffin of anger.
Simon. I’m so cross with you.
My brother died last year, age 52, of alcoholism. The trauma is hard to bear.
My beloved nephew — Simon’s son — has lost his dad. 🥹 That child has a right to know his father’s people.
So here I am, awake at 3am, my mind spinning with angry grief.
I know I’m not alone. We all have those moments of 3am anxiety, right?
I’ve realised my deep emotions don’t like the light; they wake me up, tormenting me. My anger is like a coat — heavy and wet from a storm — I long to hang it up to dry.
Anger disguises itself as control, silence, self-criticism. I bury it, but it rises again — in my words, reactions, the strain on my body.
Listen. Learn.
So I listen. And in that quiet, resilient space.
If you’re awake at 3am, buzzing with anger or grief, don’t rush to silence it.
Listen. Let it move through you.
We can use that energy to grow stronger — not in muscle, but in mindset. When we stop running and really listen, there’s power there.
I’ve decided to use that power to
Love more fiercely.
Feel more connected to my body.
Growth doesn’t happen in the light. It happens in the lonely, uncomfortable dark at 3am — the place we become who we’re meant to be.
Let’s turn anger into energy for good.
Are you a 3-amer? How do you cope?
Alexandra xx
#fyeoportraits #boudoir #insomnia
